Finding Authentic Self through the Death of Another

My awareness of life as a human is each and every one has their own mission or mandate. What does this really mean? Each has their own spiritual path or journey to follow, their own dream and desire, their own symbols and way of living, and their own experiences. This journey we call life is personal. It is personalized by the choices made, the lessons learned and the forks in the road taken. The mandate is learning to live life in the most fulfilling and richest way possible while living our own ethics and taking responsibility for our choices. It sounds simple enough.

Simple is not always easy. As humans we complicate everything in life. Every decision weighed and measured, every fork in the road contemplated, and every thought questioned. The innate desire within is to know the answer to the questions deep inside. What does ‘all’ this mean? What is the purpose? It is challenging to step into a flow where we seek the simple and accept it unconditionally.

I had an encounter that played into this trap of questioning, complicating, and weighing every thought, decision and action. A quote by Agni Eickermann comes to mind in reflection, “Even if a problem is complex, the right answer is simple and clear." Rumination, at the moment I did a lot of questioning and complicating

I sought out a path from Hawk, a Shaman mentor and friend. His retort so simple in nature, the way so clear; yet, shadowed from view before spoken. Hindsight can expose more truth than standing in the moment.

It was a day to be allocated to the sun’s rays connecting with the energies of the Earth. Yet, at every turn something impeded my productivity. Electrical tools denying their use; snubbing my aspiration. The resonance of tires squealing capturing all my awareness. The slight waft in the air stopping, frozen in a moment as a truck hurtled through a center island. Metal soaring as sign posts were coerced from their planted spots deep in the Earth to aberrantly pierce the air. Decisively and consciously inhaling deeply, it took heartbeats before the eyes would converge into reality.

An instinctual take over removing conscious thought. The truck deployed from its frozen state. Observing movement on the black asphalt; droplets of sweat forming across my landscape like jewels to reflect in the rays of light. Unable to tear my vision as a production was portrayed in slow motion, something binding my energy. Every pulsation of my heart drumming out a strange and disturbing beat questioning self as a horrific scene formed. A creative artist turning and twisting the metal in motion leaving an energy signature upon the Earth painted on a green foliage landscape. No time, no space, a limitless void. Desperate to return to a completely conscious state, unsure of wanting this experience, letting my eyes close to reset the vision.

Opening my lashes it was not a vision. It was reality. Instinctually grasping the phone to call 911 to do responsible action without engaging was the only thought. Unable to shake the invariable shivers ensuing, far too many images racing and wanting to escape the unknown.

Returning to the sanctuary of my walled home in attempt to regain perspective and balance within. What was the fear? My fear? Leaning back to close my eyes once more, the scene replaying over and over as though I was missing a piece; an essential piece of the playing out of the story. Watching a form emerges with seemingly ease through the distorted columns of metal. The drumming palpitating accentuates each step the figure took until the ice cold air sent goose bumps upon the tiny droplets of sweat. Pulling myself from the visions as a searing gaze bore down upon me. A man standing in front of me was violating my sanctuary. The eyes holding a reflection of me, of my questions, my confusion was easily discernable. Wild thoughts skid in and out; why was he here? What did he want? Why won’t he leave? Panicked at the sight so real that was forcing me to engage what I was trying to escape.

Calling the one man who knew would make this man understand he had to leave. Hawk. Speak with your soul. Think it. He is as confused as you are. Explain it to him. It is your picture to do. Something outside of self responding taking an active role and engage.

“What do you not understand?"

“What happened?"

“You were in an accident?"

“I was driving down the road. Something is wrong."

Wanting to tell him bluntly – yeah something is wrong. “Your dead."

“I can’t be dead, I am standing here. You see me."

How do you answer that one? Yes I can see him. Yes I can hear him. But he is dead, at least, I think he is. “Come let me show you." Walking out to the end of the driveway without looking back to see if he was following. A desperate haunting hunger permeates the energy flowing; the aroma unmistakable. The hunger would be quenched. It was unstoppable. The drumming pervades the stench swirling.

He stood mesmerized at the bizarre grays and blacks depressed into the avocado foliage. Flashing blue and reds pieced the tapestry scorching one thread at a time.

“That one is my brother." Just a simple statement of fact made. My phone ringing breaks the secret innate language being shared.

“Mrs. Goddard, this is Trooper X. Would it be possible for you to come to the scene to answer a few questions?"

“Of course." Looking towards the man confused as to why he was still there. “I have to walk down there."

“I’ll come."

Wondering if seeing himself in the truck will do better at explaining than I could? Captivated in watching him move to where he moved. Unable to see the man in the truck Blood red tears flowed down his cheek bones. “I am not ready."

“Your not ready? Ready for what?"

“To go."

“There is nothing I can do. It is time, you have to go."

“It was an accident."

Thinking no shit it was an accident. “Yes you were in an accident."

“No I mean it was an accident. It wasn’t suppose to happen yet."

“But it did, now it is time for you to go."

He didn’t reply, I could feel his eyes upon me as the physical world drew me back. A brother in grief, a trooper asking questions, and men in blue shirts doing their jobs as though a dead man was standing in the midst; it was the world of the physical. He walked back to my side wanting to hear the exchange.

“Help them."

“Help who?"

“My brother and mother."

It was more of a begging plea than a command. “Of course, but you have to go. Go back in your body and make a deal or let go."

“Not yet."

What was he waiting for? The trooper trying to obtain my attention bringing me back to the physical; would I go with the brother to notify the next of kin?

“Of course." Speaking a soft prayer and petitioning the skies for strength, I went to the brother with compassion and empathy knowing deep within the darkness was felt by him.

Returning from the mother’s home wanting to collapse into a ball and cry my own tears for the immense pain and torment the mother had expressed; but knowing there was more to do.

It was time; time to quench the starvation. The souls sharing secrets forming a bond to forever connect their souls. Questions answered, confusion lifted.

“In case you’re wondering, my name is John." For a few heartbeats the silent language shared more secrets and knowledge of one another.

“John it is time now."

“I know."

A slowing pulse shifted the drum matching the movement as slowly two figures walked down the black asphalt into a mist that had not existed before, disappearing before becoming a part of the canvas that was still in motion.

Gateways opened. Veils parted. A beckoning calling that must be answered. Good byes shared. Longings remaining.

“John…" He paused and looked at back at me waiting. Words seemed inadequate given the surroundings.

“I know." He turned with me following. I had been here before. I had seen this landscape before. This was not some unknown. It was not something to be feared or questioned. “C it is not your time yet." There were no goodbyes. There was no fanfare. Silence. A void. Nothingness contained within everything. Standing alone. Feeling disturbed; yet I was the one that wanted answers. I was the one who wanted to see, to know. Now exposed with all the fears laid out, it did not feel as I had expected.

The heat witnessing the return of a single figure as it rolled up from the blacktop. There was a moment when the single figure stood with one foot in the mist and one on the blacktop. Within the drumming, breathe given and breathe taken, life given and death taken; a choice made with rewards given both in life and in this death. Life suspended; a death experienced while a creation formed a birth. An amazing circle of energy experienced as never before.

When something touches your souls, it is then that we discover your authentic selves. It is in discovering that authentic self that we discover your own truths. As this is revealed in stepping between the worlds it is paramount that we pay attention acutely to the signatures that we encounter. As this authentic self is revealed, discovered, and exposed it is ultimately up to the individual what choice they make; the choice is either to succumb to living an unexamined life or choose to discover what the hell is going on, engage in the energy flow, and grow from the experience.

The choice made, the divine language vibrations encountered, and the engagement made each step and thought shifting from the fears and boundaries as steps into the authentic self. Being completely open and willing to make the engagement, the language and even the very heart beat sounds can be completely understood without words. Each person’s authentic path, their authentic self exists deep within our core. Releasing the boundaries and limitations of old patterns and thought simple and very clear once the veil is crossed. And when you return, even though the ‘picture’ is still not in focus, you know what you want and need suddenly. You know what feeds you and exactly what can defeat you. You know what is right, simply because it feels right. You know what your life purpose is, even though you have no idea what it is.

Each lesson, each perception, and each situation may not be obvious. The words that did not make sense, the encoded symbols and signs not understood are no longer a foreign language. If you dare to take a step and engage, you earn your own sovereignty and walk a destined path.

To live your life on purpose; on purpose without the self-imposed boundaries and limitations has its difficulties. Difficulties I cannot even begin to fathom words to describe. However, living your life on purpose in this manner, engaging when the picture is in front of you, has its rewards. It feeds you and leaves you hungry for more.

Everyone is called. Not everyone has the courage to answer the call.